Hello Hormones!

Ah, hormones.

Your attack on my emotional well-being has officially begun. I had my first full-on pregnancy break-down Tuesday night. It was about 1:15 a.m., I hadn't slept a wink (despite turning the lights off at 10), and I just couldn't stop the tears. The husband rolled over and asked me what was wrong (yes, the crying woke him up) and all I could say was "I'm just so tired!" He promptly got out of bed and covered up every single bit of light that was in the room - clocks, door cracks, etc. He even offered to stay awake until I fell asleep so his snoring wouldn't bother me. I very quickly calmed down, but just the thought of getting under 6 hours of sleep for the millionth night in a row was just too much for me at that moment. (Sadly, his angelic efforts to help didn't lead to sleep - I was down on the couch watching TV 30 minutes later. Only slept about 3 hours that night.)

Today, yet another hormonal ambush. I've almost cried at work twice so far, and it's only lunchtime. Once because I was being taught how to do something over the phone and I just became so overwhelmed. My pregnant brain processes things a lot sloooower now and I can barely keep up. And then again because I was being given yet another responsibility that falls under the "Crap No One Else Wants To Do" category. Man, I love my job. It's times like this that I want to say "Listen, I'm pregnant. Back off!" (Oh how I can't wait for that lovely day when I get to tell them I'm not coming back :) - panic will ensue!)

I feel like I've been relatively level-headed up until now. But if this week is any indication for what's to come, my emotions are in for a wild ride!

This all-consuming being inside.

This baby has taken over my entire world in just a couple short weeks. It's quite incredible, really. My body is no longer mine alone; it belongs to a wee little one with a tiny beating heart (so weird to think there are 2 beating hearts inside of me...) And this little one reminds me of this AT ALL TIMES. There isn't a single minute that goes by in a day that I'm not thinking about him or her. All of my pregnancy symptoms have just become catalysts for the billions of thoughts that go through this head on a daily basis.

I'm constantly worried - worried I'm not eating enough, worried I'm not getting enough sleep (still not sleeping at all - holy insomnia!), worried something terribly catastrophic will happen. I'm even worried this pregnancy is going to pass me by and I will have been too busy worrying to enjoy it. I need reassurance, but unfortunately I'm 2.5 weeks away from getting that reassurance.

May 14th should be a great day. It's the day I have my first prenatal visit. The day the doctor should be able to relieve some of my worries. The day I finally get to see my parents' faces as they find out their baby girl is having a baby of her own. The day I get to tell my sister she's about to become an aunt for the first time. The day I get a whole new kind of support system - experienced child-bearers - that I so desperately need right now. May 14th, please hurry.

Until then, I will keep leaning on my husband for help. His support is all that is carrying me through right now. I can tell he's trying, just wading in uncharted waters. After reading some "What to Expect" books this weekend, I think he understands even better how very real this is for me. I had a sneaking suspicion that once he got all the facts (i.e. the biological reasoning behind all of my symptoms), he'd be more sympathetic. The back rubs at night, dinner clean-up, and hugs are all helping more than he knows. I am a lucky girl.

Best Weight Loss Program Ever.

I've lost 3 pounds in a week. Aren't you supposed to gain weight when you're pregnant? I know I'm not eating enough, but I can't figure out how to eat more (quite a conundrum, I know.)

Here's the deal - I've spent the last 2 years trying to lose weight, for my wedding and then so I'd be at my healthiest whenever I got pregnant. So for 2 years, I've been in constant diet mode. Not extreme diet mode - no pills or shakes or weight loss programs - but I pay close attention to what I'm putting in my mouth. I rarely eat more than 600 calories between the time I wake up and the time I get home from work - and this works for me! I just eat really low-cal snacks all day and I stay full. I've lost 35 lbs in 2 years, and I'm pretty damn proud of that.

But this mentality is hard to break now that I'm pregnant. I know I'm not getting enough in one day. What I'm eating is healthy, it's just not enough. The baby is taking all of it, leaving me with very little. Hence the weight loss. And now I'm starting to think this may be why I wake up around 3:30 every morning - the baby and I are hungry. And why I get a little light-headed now and then.

So Operation Eat Like A Horse is about to commence. Chipotle anyone?

I miss sleep.

In college, seeing 3:30 a.m. on the clock usually meant one of 2 things: out partying or big test the next day. Either way, I was comforted because I knew I could take a big fat nap the next day. 3:30 a.m. and I were friends.

Well, I've started to resent my friend. That's the time I wake up each morning (still haven't figured out how I'm so consistent...) I'm up about an hour or more at that point before I fall back asleep. Then I'm up for the day by 6 (usually a few minutes before...) This whole lack of sleep thing is killing me. Is this seriously going to continue for 35 more weeks? (And yes, I know it will be worse after the baby comes.) I can't imagine it's good for this baby if I'm only getting 6 hours a night (I know, I know, "go to bed earlier" - well, I've tried. Ask the husband. It doesn't work, I still see the start of Sex & the City reruns at 11 every night...)

I can't decide if the insomnia is due to:
a. just a general pregnancy symptom on its own.
b. the CONSTANT rumblings in my stomach.
c. the billions of thoughts that are running through my head at all times, due to the fact that this is the most exciting (and scariest) thing that's ever happened to me and I can tell NO ONE (bless his heart, the husband is trying, but I've got a list of questions a mile long for my mom or my sister that he can't answer.)

I guess my mantra for my weekends will be "Sleep whenever and wherever I can, no exceptions."

The Proof.

Test #2 confirmed that I am, in fact, not crazy. I couldn't wait any longer, so I tested again on Saturday morning. 2 positives in 2 days :) So looks like this is for real. My "symptoms" are steady and uncomfortable (I won't divulge. TMI.) A teeny tiny part of me is content that it's continuous though, because it's a constant reminder that I'm "with child".

Part of me wants to shout this from the rooftops. It's been impossible to see my parents and not tell them (and it has only been 2 days!) Only 2 people know that we were even trying, so it's like we've already been keeping secrets for months. But the other part of me is so worried that something bad could happen, so I want to see the doctor before I tell anyone. Really, we want to hold out for as long as possible because we know the risk goes down more with each passing day. So for now, it's just between me and the husband. (Hence the blog. I'm already talking his ear off about all this.)

You're Pregnant? Good.

Holy hell. I'm pregnant. We're pregnant. At least I think so...unless First Response is playing a huge joke on us.

I was in Wisconsin for work this week and haven't felt 100%. I've had some stomach issues for a few days, which I attributed to the fact they don't know how to cook anything there without giving it a hot bath in the deep fryer. Of course, I hoped this funny feeling was because I was knocked up (ew, that sounds wrong). But I have been imagining the same kind of symptoms for the last 4 months that we've been trying to conceive, so I wasn't getting my hopes up too high. Luckily, the trip fell right in the window of when I could start testing, so it forced me to wait until today, a day I'd get a more accurate reading anyway. Today is Day 29, so I gave it a shot.

Let me set the scene: My darling husband gets up to shower at the usual 6:30. Once I hear him get in, I secretly take a pregnancy test in the other bathroom. He gets out, expecting only the light in the bathroom to be on and me to be passed out. Instead, he finds me sitting up in bed, the bedroom lit up like Vegas, and me just staring at him.

K: What's up? You okay?
S: Yeah, but my heart's racing.
K continues to get ready.
S: Come here and feel it.
K comes in the room. Puts his hand on my chest.
K: Yeah, it is.
S: Want to know why?
S points to the nightstand. K looks, sees the pregnancy test with the 2 glorious pink lines.
K: You're pregnant?
S: Yeah, I think I am. (huge grin)
K: Good.

Good. Well, yes honey, yes it is good. It's incredible. Fantastic. Phenomenal. Unbelievable. In fact, that last one is the one that makes the most sense here. I still don't believe it, and I think it's going to take a few more home pregnancy tests and trip to the OB in a couple weeks before I really do.

So for now, I'm going to try really hard to believe this is really happening and just cross my fingers that Baby Reeder hangs on....