Dear Jack,
What a grown-up month this has been for you, Jack-Jack! You are a full-blown walking toddler!! In about a week's time, you went from taking a few nervous steps to walking across the room. It's so fun to watch! Your transformation into toddlerhood is evident in so many ways now. Your 4th tooth came in, giving you this big boy smile that completely melts Mommy's heart. Those big teeth are helping you chomp your way through so much table food, with baby food seriously on its way out (we give you maybe 3-4 jars a week.) You still LOVE to eat & would eat all day if we'd let you. While you have an incredibly healthy appetite, we've introduced a few sweets to you this month (including your first ice cream cone!) much to your delight. You certainly have your Mama's sweet tooth! You learned to sign "milk", "fish", and are just learning "please". You babble all the time with lots of consonant sounds, though you're still not really using any words. You clap and wave on command, both of which are super adorable. Here are some of the things that have excited you (and some you're not so fond of) this month:
Favorites
Reading books - Last month you were only interested in playing with your books; now, you love to read them! You are constantly digging through your book bins looking for the right one, then sitting on the floor flipping pages. You especially enjoy the touch-&-feel books, and you know exactly what parts to feel on each page. Your face lights up when we tell you to go get a book for us to read - you never pass up the chance to be read to.
Playing ball - Your love for playing ball is growing each day! You can chase a ball around the house for quite a long time without getting bored. You are getting better at "throwing" it - you excitedly wave it up and down until it slips out of yours hands.
Walking - You choose to walk instead of crawl 90% of the time. You seem to really appreciate how easy it is to carry something when you walk versus crawling. You're getting faster every day, though you still plop down on your bottom all the time.
Going outside - You are still a huge fan of the outdoors! If any member of the family heads outside without you, you get very vocal. Walking in the grass is a little difficult with your unsteady feet, but you'll be running around out there in no time!
The Laundry Room - We think you know you're not supposed to go into the laundry room and that's why you love it so much - like the forbidden fruit, if you will. You make a mad dash for it anytime we leave the doors open. You spend most of your time in there playing with Daddy's Powerades on the floor or emptying the pantry.
Not-so-favorites
Shoes - Now that you're walking, we trying to remember to put shoes on you when we leave the house. You are not a big fan of wearing shoes, though you are slowly getting used to them. Most of the time, you refuse to walk when you're wearing them (although it might have something to do with being around strangers - you're still pretty bashful!)
The Baby Gate - Because your favorite activity is to climb stairs but you haven't yet mastered how to get back down (you took your first tumble down this week), the baby gate has become a necessity. You don't like being restricted, especially when we hop over the gate to go upstairs without you. Get used to the gate, Buddy; it's not going anywhere for a while.
TV - You are completely disinterested in TV, leaving us completely baffled. TV is kinda our thing, Jack. We're not movie or music people or heavy readers or artists - we love TV. All of us. When the kids are watching a show, it doesn't capture your attention at all. Mommy thought it might be that the content was too mature for you, so we tried Elmo. You couldn't care less about that furry red monster that used to captivate your siblings. This is uncharted territory for us.
Jack, you are the happiest little guy all of the time. It's so hard to come up with things you don't like because everything in life excites you. You are not much of a cuddler these days - you're too busy for that - but you do give us the most amazing hugs! You wrap those arms around our neck and squeeze. And if you see us hugging each other or one of your siblings, you don't like to be left out of the action. You crawl right on over with a giant smile, eager to get some love too :)
We love you, kiddo! One month to go until the big birthday!!
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
You guys.
Seriously.
Parenting is tough.
I know...what a totally original thought, huh? You've read the articles and heard the cries of other parents and all that jazz already. But it's my turn to harp on the subject for a minute. Because I'm in it deep and constantly feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat.
No matter what season of parenting you're in, it's hard. And I know this to be true, even for the years ahead that I have yet to experience. How do I know this if I haven't been there? Because when I only had one little friend at home and she couldn't talk or do anything for herself, I thought "Man, this is hard. I have no one to talk to & I have to do everything for this kid. It will be so much easier when she's independent." And then she became independent, walking & talking & fetching her own diapers/sippy cups/etc. But it wasn't easier; it was harder. Because "Get out of that cabinet!" and "You forgot to say please." and "Oh my god, do you ever stop talking?" Independence comes with a price, y'all. And I thought to myself, "Man, this is hard. I don't know how to discipline a toddler and keep up with her while I'm gigantically pregnant. It will be so much easier when I'm not pregnant anymore & I have a sleepy newborn & this chickadee finally understands the rules around here." Ha! How adorably naïve I was. You guessed it - 2 kids was so much harder.
I could go on & on because every stage we've been in has been tough. Exhausting. Taxing. And, in every stage, I've thought to myself "It'll be easier when..." And yes, some things are easier. A 5-year-old that can spoon-feed the 10-month-old his yogurt and a 3-year-old that can put on his own shoes...these things are what I was imagining would make my life a piece of cake. But I didn't account for the other 900 new challenges that would arise. It's just...sigh...overwhelming.
I'm constantly battling with myself over this feeling. I know things could be harder right now. I know other families are struggling far more than I am. I know I should be grateful for all of the blessings we have and just suck it up. But because others are suffering more than me, because others have been dealt a more trying hand, does that diminish the feelings I'm having? Does that make this sensation of complete physical, mental, & emotional exhaustion less real?
Am I allowed to feel that the stage I'm in right now is really hard, even if it's not harder than what others are facing?
I'm finally in a place where I'm saying: yes. I am allowed. Because parenting is tough, no matter how many you have and how old your kids are. And right now, with 3 tiny humans at my feet, this is hard.
The biggest vein running through all of the difficulty is pressure. The pressure is suffocating. Parenting is just one pressure after another. I used to babysit in high school. Sure, there's a great deal of responsibility with babysitting - you're being trusted with someone's kids, their whole world! I thought there wasn't much of a difference between that & parenting. And then I brought my first child home from the hospital and I distinctly remember thinking "Crap. We have to make all of the decisions now. It's all on us." Because, when you babysit, you're not in charge of making the giant decisions. You know, the ones that affect what kind of person she will become, how healthy & happy she will be. The big stuff. And that? That right there is an incredible amount of pressure.
No one else decides what school they're going to go to and what time bedtime should be. It's up to us to figure out how to get 5 servings of fruits & veggies into their little bellies each day. We are the ones that implemented the "no TV after dinner" rule and the books-before-bed routine. A babysitter comes in & just facilitates the routine that the parents set in place. It's all on us.
No one else has to figure out how to answer all the questions these guys come up with. You should have heard me explain to my preschooler why his arm falls asleep sometimes (I am a pro at dumbing things down to the appropriate level now.) But the questions aren't always as simple as "why don't birds have fingers." I got to explain to my 5-year-old why her preschool went on lockdown last week. (Yes, lockdown. Like, kids sitting in silence, hiding under the backpacks, lights out, etc. There was an armed man in the area, so the police put the preschool on lockdown. I'm still trying to forget the feeling of pulling up to school and finding out the doors were locked & I couldn't get my daughter.) How much do you tell them? There's a lot of evil in the world, but at what age are they ready to handle the details? The teachers won't explain it; that falls on the parents to decide. (For the record, I told her that a bad person was in the area so the preschool director just wanted to keep everybody extra safe for a little bit. She was cool with that answer.)
I like to tell myself that we're doing an okay job. We've been doing this for over 5 years now, everybody is alive and seemingly happy. We got complimented at a restaurant last week for our well-behaved crew, specifically on how well-mannered the big kids were. (Compliments like that, even from complete strangers, are what keep me going. Positive affirmation is totally my love language.) So there are moments where it feels like we've got things under control. Then days like yesterday happen, and I start doubting everything we've done up to this point. (Aha! You were wondering what sparked this rainy Friday's parenting rant, weren't you?)
Last night, the husband and I had to forego a VERY much-needed date night in the name of discipline. Ok, he didn't need it so much as me; I was desperate for a break from the 4ft-&-under crowd. A stubborn 3-year-old who refused to take a nap & was threatened that no nap = no Grandma's house stood in the way of my break.
Discipline is such a struggle around here - how to do it effectively based on age, how high can the expectations really be, what can and can't we let slide by. We have very high expectations (if you don't expect good behavior, you're not going to get it!) so there are hard & fast rules with accompanying consequences. The well-mannered, decently-behaved kids are a product of these rules, so I know we aren't being unreasonable.
But here's the thing about consequences and kids - they suck for the parents almost more than they suck for the kids. No snack? I get to listen to you whine about how hungry you are. No TV? I just lost my 22 minutes of quiet while I try to get something done. No Grandma's house? There goes my date night. And it's soooooo tempting to give in, to not follow through on the threats. Thank goodness for the husband's resolve or I might have given in last night. The 3-year-old would have received mixed messages all so Mommy could indulge in wine & pasta & bread (all the bread!) Instead, a hard lesson was learned with the hope of a better outcome in the future...and I had a PB&J.
As hard as it was for me to get past all the "woe is me" that was going through my head last night, I know it was a small victory in our giant parenting war. (I didn't hear a peep out of that boy at nap time today; those eyes were shut before I started downstairs.) So I know it's working. It's just hard, a constant fight, a daily question of "Are they really getting this? Are all of these lessons sinking in?"
If you can get past all of the pressure of turning these little blobs into contributing members of society, there are a million other things that make parenting a struggle. Like the fact that you have to be on at all times. Prepared for anything & everything. This is the part where I'm going to be stereotypical & say that us Moms have it worse in this area. Just look at the family at the table next to you at the restaurant. Who brought the bibs & the spoons & the sippy cups & the fruit cups & the puffs & the crayons? And who whips out the Goldfish & the stickers & the pacifier from her big bag of tricks when the food is taking just a little too long? And how did all of those things get into the big bag in the first place? Mom. What did Dad have to bring? The van keys. (Disclaimer: I have a very helpful husband who is quick to fill up my diaper bag when needed, but not without some direction.) It's just my job to know exactly what we're going to need at any given point in the future. Just like it's my job to know when the baby needs his next well-check at the pediatrician & when the big kids have to go the dentist next & which day we have to send in Easter napkins for the preschool party. Are their green shirts clean for St. Patrick's Day? Do we have enough milk to get through breakfast? It's on me to keep track of whose turn it is to eat their half of the yogurt out of the cup it comes in versus just a bowl (this is a very big deal around here.)
Oh hey, more pressure.
I know the husband is dealing with his own separate set of pressures, big things that are constantly weighing on him that I don't feel - being the sole monetary provider, weighing his free time between family & leisure, just trying to get home before 6:00 to help while I make dinner. I don't want to diminish these in any way. It just goes to show that every parent is being mentally pulled in a million directions. And it's hard for all of us. And even though my hardships are different than someone else's, we're all struggling through it in our own way.
Parenting is tough.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a bowl of ice cream on the counter & an episode of Scandal in the DVR that are calling my name. God bless bedtime.
