Dino kid.

Disclaimer: This is an open letter to my son. I write it with confidence that he won't actually see it until he's in junior high or older and no longer so impressionable. I know it's wrong to try to influence your child's interests, to push them in a direction they wouldn't otherwise go. And I will, of course, support any interests he has and welcome all the stupid facts that he'll undoubtedly spout about them. (Isn't that what all boys do? Learn a fact, try really hard to remember it until someone else is around, and then recite it as if they are all-knowing about a topic? I mean, that's what SportsCenter is for, right? To provide guys with a fountain of lame, unimportant stats that they can then pull out at a Bdubs sometime and impress everyone around them that they know that John Doe has hit 29 foul balls on the 3rd base side in the 7th inning while the sun was shining & a left-hander was pitching.) All that being said, since I don't plan to show this to him until he's too old to be into any of this anymore, I feel safe in putting it here. And I also feel safe using, um, passionate language for the very same reason. (He'll ride the bus, so I'm certain he'll hear anything I'd say - plus the new inappropriate words that are around by then - by junior high.) So, yeah, here goes.


My Joseph Boy,

Oh baby boy, you are the greatest! You're so much fun to play with now. You're certainly starting to develop your own little interests, which is just the cutest thing to watch. And which is also why I felt like it was time to write you this note. You see, Mommy has a request, something I hope we'll both agree is reasonable. Here it is:

Please don't be a dinosaur kid.

If you love me at all, please, for the love of Michael Buble, steer clear of anything prehistoric. I'm not kidding about this. This is my biggest fear as the mother of a boy and one of the first few thoughts I had when they told me you were a boy at birth. "Holy crap, I can't believe I actually had a boy! He's so precious...and giant! Look how happy the husband is to have his boy! God, I hope he isn't a dinosaur kid...." Seriously. I have nightmares about stepping on plastic dinosaur figurines and having to learn all the ridiculous dinosaur names and having to go to the history side of the history museum instead of just the IMAX. Speaking of the names, can we talk about how fast & loose they are with the use of consonants in dinosaur names? Pterodactyl with its silent P? C'mon now, that's just silly.

And don't get me started on people that spend their entire lives digging for dinosaurs. The only reason anyone knows what paleontologists are is because of Ross Gellar. And no one born after 1993 will have any idea who he is (unless TBS continues to play Friends reruns until eternity...*fingers crossed*). And even though he got Jennifer Aniston in the end, I promise there are a boatload of paleontologists out there that didn't...just sayin'.

Here's my beef with dinosaurs: I don't believe in 'em. They might as well be ghosts. Sure, they've found "bones" they believe prove their existence, but I'm not buying it. And thankfully, I won't ever have to be the one to help you and Brooke with any dinosaur-related schoolwork in the future b/c that's one of Daddy's subjects (He took Math & Science, I took Religion & Sex. I definitely got the better end of the deal. And, yep, that means you'll be getting your Birds & Bees talk from your mother. Sorry, friend.) I just think the whole dinosaur thing is all pretty flippin' stupid. (Well, except for Rex from Toy Story - his nervousness is adorable. And I'm okay with the occasional article of clothing with a cartoon dinosaur on it, because hey, it's not an animal!)

And while we're at it, stay away from Space, too. We don't live out in the open air so you're bound to be disappointed when you can't see the constellations you're looking for because we can only see stars, like, 13 out of 365 nights a year. Also, telescopes are expensive. Plus, I just can't get behind a "science" that can't decide if we have 8 or 9 planets.

So, are you confused as to what subjects would be appropriate for you to become obsessed with? Here's a short list of some of my preferred interests for you:

1. Legos
2. Sports
3. Transportation (except Thomas the Tank Engine, b/c that shit is hard to watch.)
4. Game Shows (Yes, I actually knew a little kid that was obsessed with game shows. Hilarious.)

If you could just stick with one of these, I'd be forever grateful. If you wish to veer from this list, I'd appreciate you come talk it out with me first. And if you really, really, really just can't live without dinosaurs....sigh....I'll learn to live with it. That's love, my son. True love.

Kisses!
Mommy

p.s. Pick Legos. I mean, pick whatever makes you happy. But strongly consider Legos.